Mommy Confessions

That is currently going on in my life.. 

So Ill start off by saying that I chose Lilahs uncle to be the God Father when i was pregnant because he was there and i thought he was a friend.. I knew from the beginning that he wasnt the ideal pick.. Hes a pot head (which i have no problem with when its done responsibly) and has issues. But i didn’t think that would get in the way of him being good to Lilah. At one point in my pregnancy i actually saw him more than i saw her father.. He saw the sonogram pics and videos before her father even did. But I have been having my doubts recently, the day we had to go to the baptism class I specifically told him a time to be at my house so we can be there on time and he ended up being in Brooklyn (because he was smoking) on his way at the time i told him to be at my house!! So we ended up being late to the class and to make matters worse he was high -_- red eyes and all that. I was so embarrassed. So the day after i let him know how i felt about it and told him i didnt think it was right that he showed up like that, common sense like DO IT AFTER.. He responds with a “Its my body i can do whatever i want.” .. Seriously!? Any way I let that go.. But Monday he text me like “i dont have any of the papers the guy asked for” …HER BAPTISM IS ON SATURDAY!!!! What got to me is why wait this long!? I went on to ask that same question he goes “IDK”.. So than i tell him i dont think its going to be a problem but if they did ask for it now that he would be screwed..I also told him it didnt seem like he wanted this that much and that it was worrying.. So i asked him if he wanted to be her god father.. I told him i was giving him the chance to let me know. I said that it is a big deal and that my god father didnt take it seriously and wasnt around and that i didnt want that for Lilah… Guess what he doesnt answer. So i give him 24 hours… Still no answer. After that i told him nicely that he didnt have to come and that i didnt want to force  responsibility on someone that didnt really want it. I told him there were no hard feelings. Did he answer that? Yep. He went on to tell me he was getting the papers and than he says “Im not married to you slow down.” ……..SERIOUSLY!? That is when I went ballistic… The baptism is ON SATURDAY.. I dont have time to be playing guessing games and waiting on a reply that will never come.. Am I crazy for thinking that a person who wants to be my daughters god parent would answer me when i ask a question like that? I dont think so. So now im changing the god father and this may make me have to cancel Saturday :/ pretty upset. But i will get over it. OH! And also when he called me on the phone to argue with me he told me it was a new story with me every day and that he didnt have to bow down to me… He told me that i am a bitch to his brother all the time and that he always has to hear it from his brother… WTF!? Seriously… your brother decided to have TWO babies obviously his baby mommas are going to be bitchy sometimes and thats what brothers are there for. I personally think that I am not bad to him given the circumstance.. I havent heard from him in DAYS. He told me last week that he was bringing me money on monday … Of course i wouldnt hear from him all week.

I believe that there is something called the filtering process in my life. Where all the people and things that are no good for you that you should’ve cut out of your life start being filtered out. It may not be very pleasant at the moment and it may all happen at the same time.. but you are way better off for it. Because in the end of it all the unnecessary junk is out and you learn who is truly there for you in the most positive way and who isnt :D

And it just keeps bothering me especially after talking to my mom about it..

Today I had a doctors check up appointment and i was going to walk but than it started thunder storming so i called a cab service around the block. This guy got here in less than 5 minutes and i had to put Lilahs jacket on and also put her in the carseat. After i buckle her seat in and everything i have to go back in to get my jacket, the diaper bag and her stroller… Youd think that hed you know come out and help me put the stroller in the trunk seeing that I had all of that on my hands…? Nope. Than I get in the car and hes like “did you forget anything?” sarcastically as if to say “its about fucking time”. So I realize i think i forgot my insurance card so i say yeah actually i think i did forget something …He didnt even drive one second away and he goes “Are you kidding?” and im like “no.” .. So he goes well im going to pull over right here because going back around the corner is out of the question. It is literally like 10 feet away from my house so Im thinking like should i run there quickly even though im not comfortable leaving Lilah here? I decided to run even though i was uncomfortable with it. And he was still in the same spot.. But the what if thought keeps popping in my head.. What if he wasnt there any more.. What if he just drove off with my baby girl? My mom reprimanded me which made me feel even worse.. She told me to never do it again.. Which trust me.. I WONT. The what if thought keeps popping in my head over and over.. It wouldve totally been my fault.. Ugh what a terrible thought… Never taking my eyes off of her again… Screw convenience. Screw ass hole cab drivers (he did not get a tip btw.. screw that as well lol). 

This really puts everything in perspective for me though.. It was a lesson learned.. There are always horror stories on the news about kids going missing and if i were someone watching the news id be the one saying why the hell did she leave her baby in the car any way? UGH. So glad that my baby girl is safe and sound in her bed <3 

Funny thing is that past Krystal probably realized how forgetful future Krystal would be when shes rushing to the doctors office so past Krystal put the insurance info under the stroller.. It was there the whole time! Silly me.

At a lot of points this week I felt like I was going to snap.. Being a mom is hard I have said this before and I will say it again. Especially in the situation I am in. I really cant rely on any one else but my mom (and she works all week) to watch Lilah for a few minutes to have some time to myself for so many crazy reasons. It takes a toll on me sometimes. I barely have any human interaction except for the people in my house. 

I am sick.. Its like an annoying sinus infection, the really sucky ones that usually affect one side more. Tuesday Lilah got her 6 month vaccinations and was feeling under the weather for two days. She was very clingy which is not like her.. And I was very impatient because not only was i sick i was tired. At one point she would not go in her crib but i knew she was tired.. I thought she was just being fussy and wanted to be held. I kind of raised my voice at her to go to sleep and now i feel terrible.. I always do. Finally that night I gave her some Acetametophin and she went to sleep for more than two hours.. Thats what she needed .. She woke up back to her normal happy wonderful self <3 I am so blessed with this baby girl. She is amazing and perfect. 

My friend came to visit me .. It really cheered me up. It usually does when some one comes to visit. Who would’ve thunk this is what my crazy party life would’ve turned into so soon ! Crazy how life works. I can never regret it though just the way some things are. I could never regret Lilah.. Sometimes when she laughs I cant help but get teary eyed… Sometimes when I am just playing with her it happens too! Or when she does something really cute that I am proud of.. I seriously am proud to be her mom.. When I am out which doesnt happen often cause its cold now.. but when I am I am sooo proud to be her mom! I just want to show her off to the world.